April 7, 2010

It’s been one week since I kissed her.

Two weeks ago I was crying, still upset with the church, frustrated by my own guilt—guilt caused by being human. One foot in the church: trying to go through the motions, trying to feel the spirit, going to my meetings, participating in family night, family prayers, nightly scripture study, praying earnestly for understanding. The other foot, more like a wing, begging me to move on, move forward, see new things.

On the phone with Coraline she offered, “I’m a really goal oriented person, so if it was me I would just give it all I had for three months and then reevaluate. Do all the things you’re supposed to be doing and then see how you feel.”

I mulled that thought over for a few days. Maybe I do just need to really give it a go. But then I woke up remembering that I have given it a go, I’ve been extremely active in the church that promises happiness and yet I’m still frustrated. These past three months especially I’ve thrown my entire heart back in, never missing a meeting or a prayer. The time for reevaluation was NOW, not when I had just tried a little harder to stick a horse in a chicken coop. I just don’t fit.

The email thread to Coraline began, testing the waters again to see if she was still feeling the same. I was ready, ready to test the limits of my sexuality.

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