April 21, 2010

Ruby- I wanna know why I need this.

I really am married to a good guy. I really am happy being his wife and raising our kids together. Why isn't that enough? Why do I have this hunger for you, these thoughts about women? If my sex life wasn't so infrequent would I crave you as much? I think so...cause even during the good times my mind wanders to you. To the redhead that works at the store. To random chicks- like I am scouting for who to include in my next mental scenario.

Do you ever think this? Maybe I am just because I really wanted to play last night and feel frustrated that my freakin' head hates me. Or did.


i really feel this. fell asleep thinking about it and woke up feeling the same thing. part of me feels like, well, here we are so stop worrying about it. it's the reasoning behind why i have pushed this part of me down and away for so long. around christmas time when henry stopped dirty talking threesomes with me he changed the dirty talk to, "you are enough. you are enough for me." which totally made me cry.
i'm having sex all the time and i still crave this. even in the middle of sex i want it, crave it. i just want both.
and it still makes me feel somewhat deviant and selfish that i want both.

See- and I know part of the appeal IS that I feel deviant and selfish and naughty and like I deserve this. And I tell myself its just until I move. It's just with you. This can be enough to get it out of my system...but how will I know? I think we are taking things slow and thinking through it all...so it isn't like what we are doing was some in the heat of the moment decision. Part of me wishes we never opened this box and the other part of me is so happy I want to cry.

Maybe the wishy-washy weather is causing this mood.

i totally get it. would it be easier to withstand it in the future if we hadn't ever done it? i love this deviant side of me being exposed, but how much does henry love it? and when does it stop? i keep asking myself this question. so does henry.
i'm wondering if it's anything like cleaning someone else's house. it's no big deal to clean for someone else because there isn't any emotional build up, but cleaning my own home seems so tedious and it angers me. has sex become like this? is it just fun because it's with you? i don't think it is. but this lingers in the back of my head. right now everything feels so free and open and fantastic. but i worry that it will lead to me becoming ambivalent and having an affair with a man. my sexual guard is totally down right now. still can't decide whether this is good or bad.

I think you nailed it on the head at the end there for me and you- ambivalence. Even though this feels much different than I think an affair would- at what point does it blur?

I know that part of this for me is that it is you. Realistically I don't want another woman right now. You feel safe and we are both in the same places with our husbands that I think it keeps us in check. Screwing around with someone that has nothing to lose seems scary to me. But at the same time- I kinda want to just to see if I feel differently. But then I go back to being happy with you and enjoying where we are at.

Sure it would be easier to withstand if we had never known...but not knowing felt like this weird kind of torture anyway. I do wonder when one of us gets to the point of being done with all this how that will go. Maybe me moving is this free card to end it so neither of us HAS to. And that makes me want to go a little crazy with you up until I move because deep down I think you are going to be the only one for me.


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