Last week we shared a couple of firsts.

Ruby smoked pot for the first time. I went down on her for the first time.

Her brother smoked us both out and while I have been high here and there in the last few months and countless times as a teen...this high was nothing like those. I was SO high. We both were. After everyone settled down and was dozing, we snuck downstairs.

It felt like we were there for so long, but really it was only about 15 minutes. I was completely hers and she mine during that time and we didn't waste a moment. Up to that point, we hadn't gone all the way. To us oral sex was pretty much going all the way and we wanted to be ready and not rushing into anything.

When Ruby gave me the green light to go down I didn't hesitate. I've wanted to taste her for so long, straight from the source. I tried to take my time, but I really wanted to get her off and hoped she was relaxed enough to. Her fingers laced through my hair as I licked and sucked and slid two fingers inside. She let out a deeper "Ohhhh" as I worked her and soon enough, she was cumming. If she could handle multiple orgasms, I would have stayed there and given it to her like until she begged me to stop.

I hate the word vagina.

There is something so clinical yet vulgar about the term. Ugly. It does not in any way elicit the beauty or pleasure of our sex.

Ruby's sex is a little different than mine.

In my basement we slowly eased into this next step. When I fantasize about women, about Ruby, it is breasts and lips and long hair that I think about, but also her sex. Most of my fantasies are about what I want to do to her. The pleasure I want to give Ruby.

I have my hand down her pants, feeling her wetness through her panties. But the angle is wrong...how to men do this when we have our pants on? Luckily she lets me take them off. She is so wet. I want to explore, to dive in. Ruby says something along the lines of- "you've done this before" or "you know what you are doing"...

Yes, yes I do- but this is nothing like that. My mind is racing. I know what William does that drives me crazy. I know how I like to touch myself. All I can do is replicate that and hope she enjoys it. Her sweet spot it lower than mine, her clit different, the angle I can slip my fingers inside is new, but the softness and texture is the same. She feels amazing and sounds amazing and I am going crazy.

I want to taste her but we agreed that wasn't for tonight. She tells me to suck on my fingers and I am undone. There are too many distractions for me to make her cum- I am learning over time that this girl has to have the stage set just right. She suggests a vibrator and I rush upstairs to oblige.

I let her take the reigns as I kiss her and play with her nipples and watch her. Hearing her peak is one of the most amazing things I have ever heard. I know what I sound like when I cum, what I have heard in movies and on the internet. Feeling her body quiver next to mine, knowing I was adding to the experience, that she wasn't holding back- it rocked my world and is something I will never forget.

It still makes my heart drop.

Thinking about our first kiss. The awkward perfection of that moment and how looking back, I can't imagine it any other way for us.

The power had been out. Flashlights and candles and her crazy awesome children relishing in the excitement of the change of routine. Bedtime for them...and then it was just Ruby in the dark. I wanted to make the first move, but I couldn't make that first move, knowing that there had been hesitation on their part. I didn't want to assume. I wanted it to go how she had imagined.

We were sitting on her couch...the clock ticking. The power had come back on, but we had left the lights out. The snow was falling fat and happy outside. Nervous conversation, my nervous hands. Me rambling on about how I wasn't sure if this is what she wanted...rambling like I do. I was so nervous. We had talked and messaged about it...but was it really going to happen? I wanted it to. I think she did.

Ruby: "Get over here."

And just like that we were kissing.

Her lips soft. Her face, her body, her breathing consumed me. I wanted to stop time in that quiet moment and yet everything in my body wanted more. Wanted every part of her. I had to stop and look at her, to ask if this was really happening.

Patience has never been my strong suit. We soon realized that we have forgotten how to just make out. And that had been our plan. To kiss. To start small and simple. But we did much more. ..

unleashed

as coraline left, henry looked up at me, "so how'd it go?"

"we kissed and touched, but kept it above the waist." i replied, waiting for his reaction.

but there was no reaction. he simply shrugged and put his bags away.

he had stayed late after school to finish his homework. but he knew we were here. he knew of our intentions. months ago he had offered not a free card, but the statement, "i want you to choose for yourself, i'm not gonna control you."

years of fantazising and mutually shared porn had brought us to this point. i've always wanted to be with a woman, and for years he shared my enthusiasm. the first time i talked dirty to him about the positions i imagine he came on the spot. the fantazing deepened.

now, hearing coraline's car pull away he and i reach for one another. we take it to the bedroom where he proceeds to fuck me. i'm already on edge as we start but it's different this time. something has been UNLEASHED in me.

as i ride him the pleasure builds. he sucks my tits and i cum with a squeal and a gush, again and again and AGAIN. the feeling of him inside of me presses me on, i feel hyper-aware of his shape, totally present in this moment. he strokes my hips as i ride, his fingers trailing from my nipples to my clit, then anchoring on my hips again. something inside of me cracks open and i gush twice more. with each gush i look down in surprise as this has only happened twice in our entire marriage. with each gush he moans as the sultry moistness drips down his member.

the wetness feels incredible as our sexes mingle and pound and i just want to taste it. i pull off and go down on him. my throat is open and full, and the taste puts me over the edge again. my nipples graze across his legs as i go down and the passion rises.

he finishes from behind, pounding me harder than he ever has as i cry out in pleasure. he spanks me and i cum again. i have been emancipated.

the first time

sitting in the dark, candles flickering, waiting for the other person to make the move.

coraline is rambling, talking feverishly as she does when she's nervous. she keeps asking, "are you sure? are you sure you really want to do this?"

she takes my hand, stalling, she traces it's outline.

i finally tug it with a smile, "get over here."

her lips are small and soft and delicious. as i pull her onto my lap her hair falls into my face. i feel a little like a fish out of water, i can't remember how to just make out! but we agreed to take it slow, i try to pin my hands to appropriate places.

she cups my face in her hands and stops for a moment, pulling back to look me over, she giggles and exhales, "are we really doing this? is this really happening? it IS!" and her lips meet mine again.

my hands can no longer stay pinned in place, they graze under her shirt and trail across her soft skin. i want her nipples in my mouth more than anything, and yet, i can't bring myself to unlatch her bra strap. trying not to rush, trying to take it slow, and realizing i don't even know how to unlatch a bra from this angle.

i'm not wearing good clothes for this. between my sweater dress, undershirt, tights, panties and a slip my clothes stand as an awkward reminder that i'm sorely out of practice. but coraline is patient and bursts into a fit of giggles as she discovers the slip is keeping her from seductively reaching her hand straight up below my dress. we finally get it all sorted out and suddenly my breasts are free. finally!

i feel myself tremble as she touches me. she sits back again to admire the situation and then her mouth hones in. the exhilaration surges through my body as her lips trace from my nipples to my mouth and back again.

my hands reach out for her and lift her shirt. i struggle with the bra strap, but there's no room for embarrassment, only acceptance. as her breasts are freed i instantly lick across both, cupping them as they hang towards my face. the softness brings me to the edge. she makes tiny sounds of bliss, moans leading me to the desired intensity. her sweet smelling hair drapes over my body. our locks mingle, following our bodies entanglement.

we pull back several times just to take it all in and admire one another's bodies in the candle light. we laugh as we realize that my breasts, though suspected to be larger, are actually smaller than coraline's ampleness. there's a freedom to our conversation, holding nothing back as we change positions and take turns leading the pleasure party.

henry's return breaks our trance. i see him pull up and we quickly pull all of our clothes back on, smoothing out our hair. he cleans the snow off our cars in a gesture of goodwill. conversation tries to amble on, but coraline quickly gathers her things and leaves.

Amanda.

That was her name. The first girl I kissed. I was 15; she was older. Red-auburn hair, pale skin, a sprinkle of freckles over the bridge of her nose. Her smile is what got me, and her breasts. I felt an energy towards her that was new yet familiar. At 15 I was boy crazy- then she came along.

What I recall as my first sexual experience with a girl had nothing to do with sex. Amanda and I were in the back of a van with no seats, sitting on the floor. She was tired and I offered my lap to lay in. I ran my fingers through her hair- it felt maternal...something my mother often did for me. Her long hair flowed through my fingers like water. I could feel her relaxing into me, her fingers playing with my pant leg, tracing the folds. I started to follow the nape of her neck with my fingertips. Her cheek. Barely audible sounds of delight escaped her throat and something inside me reacted subtly. I was completely in that moment, feeling every part of her that made contact with any part of me. Wanting to touch more of her, to take her face in my hands and kiss her lips, feel the fullness of her breasts, wrap my arms around her and feel her body pressed against mine. Then just like that, someone came to the van and broke the spell. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it as she got up to leave. My entire body wanted more.

A week or so later we kissed. Her face was soft and smooth, her tongue gentle in my mouth. It didn't have the same spark as before, but I something comforting. The kiss only happened that one time and deep down I knew it was wrong. Dangerous. So I pushed those feelings down and became ashamed of them. I went back to my path of boys, guys, men. Doing more and more to try to get that buzz back that Amanda gave me in the van.

It’s been one week since I kissed her.


Two weeks ago I was crying, still upset with the church, frustrated by my own guilt—guilt caused by being human. One foot in the church: trying to go through the motions, trying to feel the spirit, going to my meetings, participating in family night, family prayers, nightly scripture study, praying earnestly for understanding. The other foot, more like a wing, begging me to move on, move forward, see new things.


On the phone with Coraline she offered, “I’m a really goal oriented person, so if it was me I would just give it all I had for three months and then reevaluate. Do all the things you’re supposed to be doing and then see how you feel.”


I mulled that thought over for a few days. Maybe I do just need to really give it a go. But then I woke up remembering that I have given it a go, I’ve been extremely active in the church that promises happiness and yet I’m still frustrated. These past three months especially I’ve thrown my entire heart back in, never missing a meeting or a prayer. The time for reevaluation was NOW, not when I had just tried a little harder to stick a horse in a chicken coop. I just don’t fit.


The email thread to Coraline began, testing the waters again to see if she was still feeling the same. I was ready, ready to test the limits of my sexuality.