I finally told Ruby the truth.

Last August William and I decided to have an open marriage. We aren't swingers...just open to the idea that marriage doesn't have to be defined to us how society has told us. Open to the reality that we are attracted to other people, that we wanted to explore that and see where it took us. So far, its' been a good ride and made us both happier.

Ruby and I have been hanging out for a year, we reconnected 10 years after knowing each other in high school. In November we confessed and shared our feelings on the burden of being bisexual...and in April ventured into this world we share now. All during that time, I was scared to tell her about this other side of me.

Scared it would freak her out, scare her away, entice her, gross her out. Scared she would tell Henry and he would forbid anything happening between us. I was scared of her not accepting this side of me. Of judging me. Of telling me I was sick in the head for thinking this way. Scared she would hate me for not telling her sooner.

I feel ashamed that I doubted her.

Last week we shared a couple of firsts.

Ruby smoked pot for the first time. I went down on her for the first time.

Her brother smoked us both out and while I have been high here and there in the last few months and countless times as a teen...this high was nothing like those. I was SO high. We both were. After everyone settled down and was dozing, we snuck downstairs.

It felt like we were there for so long, but really it was only about 15 minutes. I was completely hers and she mine during that time and we didn't waste a moment. Up to that point, we hadn't gone all the way. To us oral sex was pretty much going all the way and we wanted to be ready and not rushing into anything.

When Ruby gave me the green light to go down I didn't hesitate. I've wanted to taste her for so long, straight from the source. I tried to take my time, but I really wanted to get her off and hoped she was relaxed enough to. Her fingers laced through my hair as I licked and sucked and slid two fingers inside. She let out a deeper "Ohhhh" as I worked her and soon enough, she was cumming. If she could handle multiple orgasms, I would have stayed there and given it to her like until she begged me to stop.

almost

it may very well be the closest thing we will have to a threesome.

coraline and i cuddle together and watch a movie until he comes home. between work and school he looks beat and is ready for a shower and bed. we move to the couch as he gets in the shower. as we hear the water turn on and the shower curtain close shut she and i move our focus to eachother. she pulls open my shirt, exposing my breasts and she licks and sucks until i feel like i'm my head is going to spin off of my body.

she then pulls back and says, "go do him."

i look at her with shock, "right now? right now? what will you do?"

"i'll get on facebook, listen to music-- go in there and do him now." she replies with a smile.

he's not ready for a threesome, but just the thought of bathroom sex while coraline is 20 feet away is hot hot hot for me. i go into the bathroom and proposition him. with a smile his cock rises to attention. but he's not quite ready, his ocd side needs to finish all that he set out to do in the shower first.

so i head back to coraline. i pull her shirt and bra up and suck her pretty titties. we kiss and caress until i'm soaking wet, my panties drenched. we hear the shower turn off and it's time.

when i enter the room he hasn't opened the curtain yet, so i throw my clothes off as quickly as possible, leaving only my necklace on. he steps out and sticks his fingers in, amazement spreads across his face as he realizes just how wet i already am. he crouches down and enters me from the front, then i go down on him, licking up all that mingled.

we both face the mirror and he enters from behind. with a slap on the ass and me on my tip toes he bangs it hard. my breasts shake and my nipples graze across the cold sink.

as we continue on i hear a chair move in the dining room and i know she's listening. i don't stiffle my moans as he thrusts and grabs. my only hope is that she's standing close, listening and rubbing herself in sync with our movements. i wish i could just reach over and open the door. i imagine her here in front of me kissing us both as i suck her breasts and fondle her pussy myself.

i look at him in the mirror and bet him money that she's touching herself right now. he nods and grabs me, fucking harder and smacking my ass as i gasp. he comes surprisingly quietly.

i sit down on the toilet as he stands in front of me and i lick off all that remains. he tittilates my nips as i rub myself and suck his still-hard cock until i'm the one left coming.

as i get dressed again, i wonder what she was really doing. i go out to her and cuddle up.

Something shifted for me.

It had felt like forever since we had been able to fully satisfy each other. Stolen moments here and there to sustain us, but far too long since either of us had gotten off.

We drive around looking for a quiet place. It's funny to think back about it now, how much we both wanted to quickly find somewhere and how we both knew what the other wanted.

Henry's back seat is more accommodating than mine and before we know it, pants and panties and bras are off...familiar touch and tastes and sounds coming from us both.

She is getting me off, again and again and again. I am such an easy lay...and I can tell she likes having that option. I try to get her off; its frustrating for me that she is so used to using a vibrator. (Is this how men feel?) But she doesn't seem to care- still enjoying the touch and how I make her feel. This makes me soar.

All at once, this shit feels real. More and more I don't want another woman, I want my Ruby girl. I love her...I LOVE her and am attached to her and don't want to share her with anyone but Henry.

Hmmm...this is new.

breath

when she's riding the pleasure train her breathing is the sexiest thing on the planet. she lets out a short moan and let's her breath follow along, lingering in the air, in time, in our hair, between our lips.

her breath pulses as our hands move, it becomes more and more rapid as she cries out, "ohhhhh . . . fuck!" and i feel myself teetering over the edge, my heart beating and pounding a drum of desire straight to my neck, my cheeks, my face.

i'm dizzy and realize i shouldn't be doing this while i'm driving, but she's nearly there! i can hear it in her voice! i tell her again how i want to taste her, how i want her with us, until her breathing is more like gasping moans of delight and she cries out, "i'm coming NOW!" and with that it's all i can do to keep my car on the road and the phone to my ear as it rolls through her and me simultaneously, yet 30 miles apart.

she exhales with one last moan and i tremble.

Ruby Ruby Ruby...

I miss you.

Your face your body your skin your lips and hair and wandering hands. I miss sneaking peaks at your awesome rack, the sexual tension when we are together but not alone.

I miss your live laugh and how you throw your head back when something really gets you. We can talk and laugh over the phone for days and I will still miss you physically.

I haven't seen you since Saturday...which was too brief and in the chaos of my weekend.

It's been since Thursday that I had you and have been replaying parts of that night through my head.

Tomorrow night we will be in mixed company...but your presence will be enough.

Already can't wait to hug you goodbye- I just need to touch you my dear.

I never thought I would need to hark back to the days of fooling around in cars.

We are both married. We both have children. We both have homes with mortgages, dirty dishes and toys scattered. We are both mature women...who resort to shady parking spaces and fogging up windows like delinquent teenagers. I hate it but I fucking love it.

I want hours with her in a bed but sometimes the quick and hungry exchanges in our cars feel so right to me.

Ruby- I wanna know why I need this.

I really am married to a good guy. I really am happy being his wife and raising our kids together. Why isn't that enough? Why do I have this hunger for you, these thoughts about women? If my sex life wasn't so infrequent would I crave you as much? I think so...cause even during the good times my mind wanders to you. To the redhead that works at the store. To random chicks- like I am scouting for who to include in my next mental scenario.

Do you ever think this? Maybe I am just because I really wanted to play last night and feel frustrated that my freakin' head hates me. Or did.

coraline-

i really feel this. fell asleep thinking about it and woke up feeling the same thing. part of me feels like, well, here we are so stop worrying about it. it's the reasoning behind why i have pushed this part of me down and away for so long. around christmas time when henry stopped dirty talking threesomes with me he changed the dirty talk to, "you are enough. you are enough for me." which totally made me cry.
i'm having sex all the time and i still crave this. even in the middle of sex i want it, crave it. i just want both.
and it still makes me feel somewhat deviant and selfish that i want both.

See- and I know part of the appeal IS that I feel deviant and selfish and naughty and like I deserve this. And I tell myself its just until I move. It's just with you. This can be enough to get it out of my system...but how will I know? I think we are taking things slow and thinking through it all...so it isn't like what we are doing was some in the heat of the moment decision. Part of me wishes we never opened this box and the other part of me is so happy I want to cry.

Maybe the wishy-washy weather is causing this mood.

i totally get it. would it be easier to withstand it in the future if we hadn't ever done it? i love this deviant side of me being exposed, but how much does henry love it? and when does it stop? i keep asking myself this question. so does henry.
i'm wondering if it's anything like cleaning someone else's house. it's no big deal to clean for someone else because there isn't any emotional build up, but cleaning my own home seems so tedious and it angers me. has sex become like this? is it just fun because it's with you? i don't think it is. but this lingers in the back of my head. right now everything feels so free and open and fantastic. but i worry that it will lead to me becoming ambivalent and having an affair with a man. my sexual guard is totally down right now. still can't decide whether this is good or bad.

I think you nailed it on the head at the end there for me and you- ambivalence. Even though this feels much different than I think an affair would- at what point does it blur?

I know that part of this for me is that it is you. Realistically I don't want another woman right now. You feel safe and we are both in the same places with our husbands that I think it keeps us in check. Screwing around with someone that has nothing to lose seems scary to me. But at the same time- I kinda want to just to see if I feel differently. But then I go back to being happy with you and enjoying where we are at.

Sure it would be easier to withstand if we had never known...but not knowing felt like this weird kind of torture anyway. I do wonder when one of us gets to the point of being done with all this how that will go. Maybe me moving is this free card to end it so neither of us HAS to. And that makes me want to go a little crazy with you up until I move because deep down I think you are going to be the only one for me.

yup.

the third time

it was our third time together that still makes me weak in my knees to think of. henry had sent me off, knowing that we'd be taking it further this time. william had extricated himself for a night of gaming with a friend. children were sleeping in all their respective beds. and coraline and i simply had each other.

again, the nervousness overtook us both, not wanting to come on too strongly. i touch her lightly on the thigh while we talk, she pushes the hair away from my eyes. as the sexual tension builds between us our bodies press together and we are kissing again. this time our tops are removed rather quickly. my giddiness erupts as i see her hot pink bra, and then, like a flash it's off and her breasts are in my face... right where i want them.

i stroke and titilate her right nipple with one hand while i suck and caress her other breasts. she cries out and her moaning strengthens. she cries out my name as i suck and flick and i find myself blushing. i've never had my name called out in such fervor, by a woman. she finds composure and says, "if you were william, i'd be begging you to fuck me right now." with that she grabs me forcefully, but playfully and lays me out on the floor.

coraline's hair falls into my face and around my neck as she licks and flicks me into pleasure land. her right hand slips down towards my lucy; i may still be wearing my pants but she quickly finds her way below my panties. she gasps as she realizes that i'm flowing like a river. she begins to stroke and now it's my turn to gasp. she continues to suck and play with my nipples and i begin to ride the wave. i'm still feeling nervous and a little distracted and can't quite make it over the edge, but i'm never one to turn down the ride. her fingers are wet from me as she rubs it onto my nipples. she sucks it off my breast and says, "oh, you do taste good." i tell her to lick it right off her fingers and she squeals as she finally tastes me.

she pulls down my pants and finds a silver bullet. as i penetrate myself with it she works fervently on my breasts and mouth. we stroke together and i feel it building within me. the swell takes over me and i'm left panting, crying out, moaning, shuddering as lights seems to blaze past me. as i come down she sits up, her hair stroking across my belly and makes me tremble yet again.

she and i are both glowing. she exclaims, "that was the most incredible thing i have ever witnessed in my life."

i jokingly reply, "the most incredible? like more incredible than watching the sunrise over the tallest mountain?"

"phst, way more incredible!" she laughs.

i try again, "my orgasm was more incredible than watching a litter of kittens be born?"

she laughs again and explains that listening to me cry out from something she had done to me, listening to my honest moans of delight, was truly the most incredible thing she had ever witnessed, something she never thought she'd see happen. we collapse again into a fit of giggles and kisses.

I hate the word vagina.

There is something so clinical yet vulgar about the term. Ugly. It does not in any way elicit the beauty or pleasure of our sex.

Ruby's sex is a little different than mine.

In my basement we slowly eased into this next step. When I fantasize about women, about Ruby, it is breasts and lips and long hair that I think about, but also her sex. Most of my fantasies are about what I want to do to her. The pleasure I want to give Ruby.

I have my hand down her pants, feeling her wetness through her panties. But the angle is wrong...how to men do this when we have our pants on? Luckily she lets me take them off. She is so wet. I want to explore, to dive in. Ruby says something along the lines of- "you've done this before" or "you know what you are doing"...

Yes, yes I do- but this is nothing like that. My mind is racing. I know what William does that drives me crazy. I know how I like to touch myself. All I can do is replicate that and hope she enjoys it. Her sweet spot it lower than mine, her clit different, the angle I can slip my fingers inside is new, but the softness and texture is the same. She feels amazing and sounds amazing and I am going crazy.

I want to taste her but we agreed that wasn't for tonight. She tells me to suck on my fingers and I am undone. There are too many distractions for me to make her cum- I am learning over time that this girl has to have the stage set just right. She suggests a vibrator and I rush upstairs to oblige.

I let her take the reigns as I kiss her and play with her nipples and watch her. Hearing her peak is one of the most amazing things I have ever heard. I know what I sound like when I cum, what I have heard in movies and on the internet. Feeling her body quiver next to mine, knowing I was adding to the experience, that she wasn't holding back- it rocked my world and is something I will never forget.

in the bathroom

late afternoon shower by myself. as the water pounds down on my back i feel sexually relieved and i begin to think that maybe all this was just a passing phase. as i towel off henry comes in to check on me. immediately he whisks my towel off, leaving me naked and moist. he takes a moment to take in the view and then quickly leaves. hmmmm, that's odd behavior, normally he'd be fucking me already.

then just like that he's back, dragging a small ottoman with him. he's fully dressed in his business suit, but he quickly drops his pants. i step onto the ottoman, making our height difference less noticeable and i face the mirror. as he mounts me i cling to the marble countertop and realize fully that this is no passing phase. i beg him to fuck me hard, he spanks me and i cry out with desire.

as he fucks me i watch in the mirror as our bodies clang together. i watch as my breasts bounce and suddenly i'm longing for coraline to be there too. for her to be under me as he thrusts from behind. i long for her breasts in my mouth, as she rubs and holds me. i long for him to fuck us both.

It still makes my heart drop.

Thinking about our first kiss. The awkward perfection of that moment and how looking back, I can't imagine it any other way for us.

The power had been out. Flashlights and candles and her crazy awesome children relishing in the excitement of the change of routine. Bedtime for them...and then it was just Ruby in the dark. I wanted to make the first move, but I couldn't make that first move, knowing that there had been hesitation on their part. I didn't want to assume. I wanted it to go how she had imagined.

We were sitting on her couch...the clock ticking. The power had come back on, but we had left the lights out. The snow was falling fat and happy outside. Nervous conversation, my nervous hands. Me rambling on about how I wasn't sure if this is what she wanted...rambling like I do. I was so nervous. We had talked and messaged about it...but was it really going to happen? I wanted it to. I think she did.

Ruby: "Get over here."

And just like that we were kissing.

Her lips soft. Her face, her body, her breathing consumed me. I wanted to stop time in that quiet moment and yet everything in my body wanted more. Wanted every part of her. I had to stop and look at her, to ask if this was really happening.

Patience has never been my strong suit. We soon realized that we have forgotten how to just make out. And that had been our plan. To kiss. To start small and simple. But we did much more. ..

unleashed

as coraline left, henry looked up at me, "so how'd it go?"

"we kissed and touched, but kept it above the waist." i replied, waiting for his reaction.

but there was no reaction. he simply shrugged and put his bags away.

he had stayed late after school to finish his homework. but he knew we were here. he knew of our intentions. months ago he had offered not a free card, but the statement, "i want you to choose for yourself, i'm not gonna control you."

years of fantazising and mutually shared porn had brought us to this point. i've always wanted to be with a woman, and for years he shared my enthusiasm. the first time i talked dirty to him about the positions i imagine he came on the spot. the fantazing deepened.

now, hearing coraline's car pull away he and i reach for one another. we take it to the bedroom where he proceeds to fuck me. i'm already on edge as we start but it's different this time. something has been UNLEASHED in me.

as i ride him the pleasure builds. he sucks my tits and i cum with a squeal and a gush, again and again and AGAIN. the feeling of him inside of me presses me on, i feel hyper-aware of his shape, totally present in this moment. he strokes my hips as i ride, his fingers trailing from my nipples to my clit, then anchoring on my hips again. something inside of me cracks open and i gush twice more. with each gush i look down in surprise as this has only happened twice in our entire marriage. with each gush he moans as the sultry moistness drips down his member.

the wetness feels incredible as our sexes mingle and pound and i just want to taste it. i pull off and go down on him. my throat is open and full, and the taste puts me over the edge again. my nipples graze across his legs as i go down and the passion rises.

he finishes from behind, pounding me harder than he ever has as i cry out in pleasure. he spanks me and i cum again. i have been emancipated.

I love Ruby's breasts.

She doesn't love her cleavage and it baffles me. I could lose myself there for hours. I have heard that the v-jay has a power; for me it is all about the boobs.

Ruby's...sigh.

They are soft and supple and full. Her nipples are perfection, her areolas just right in size and shade. Since becoming a mother I have become somewhat obsessed with nipples and the areola surrounding them. Mine changed with nursing, got larger and darker. I don't love my breasts like I once did, but I accept them and enjoy what they are. Mine are different from Ruby's, yet there is familiarity in them, these mother's breasts of ours.

It is hard to adequately describe hers. They have this weight and movement in my hands that I could never tire of. There is a softness of the skin that is held apart from other areas of her body. When she straddled me and they hung above mine for the first time, I wanted to freeze in that moment. It was like a secret that our husbands had known for years was revealed, this under-boob view of wonder.

I run my tongue along her nipples and suck and flick and pull. Sucking on her tits, running my tongue around them, nibbling, lightly running my fingers over them and feeling them respond to that touch- it is simply amazing. They are everything and more that I imagined another woman's breasts would be. The sounds she makes when my mouth is on one while my fingers play with the other set my body ablaze.

Last night we were in the front seats of her van. Seeing and feeling her hard nipples through her thin shirt sent me over the edge. Pulling it down and taking in the view of her being so exposed. Her sensuality in that moment is burned into my brain. I wanted to sit back and watch them in her hands, letting my fingers run up my skirt to play- but I also wanted to experience them first hand and hear her delight. I wanted more time, more space, more Ruby.

I want to fuck her.

But I don't have the right stuff. It was somewhere during that night in my basement where I was on top of her that I had this frustration at not being able to just fuck her. Like William fucks me. It was this unexpected carnal desire that caught me off guard. I never really thought or fantasized about strap-ons and the like before...but now I get it.

Holding back with Ruby is difficult and fun. I get going and I know our current pre-set limits and I have to sit back and cool down. I have to say "I need to stop" before I do something that isn't okay. I want to respect her. Is this how it is for men? The woman being in charge of how much and how far and men just go along and get what they can until they either tap that or suffer rejection?

There is Ruby and Coraline, and I am for sure more male centered. I knew this before her, I have known this for ages. I am not butch by any means- I am athletic and gritty and logical over emotional, but I can wear a push up bra, slap on some lipstick and fit in with the rest of my kind.

But I think like men, I befriend men easier and not because I am flirty and cute. I just get them more, enjoy the lack of drama it is being their friend. There is an ease there that I don't have with women- I feel laid back with men and anxious with women. I enjoy the blunt honesty and unapologetic way of men and for years felt like a spy among my kind.

With Ruby I want to be dominate and aggressive and passionate and forceful. I want to do things to her- make her body sing. I want to pin her against a wall, talk dirty and have my way with her.

She is this goddess woman in my mind and I respect her boundaries. I don't know that she will ever give me the reigns, and for now, I can handle that.

the first time

sitting in the dark, candles flickering, waiting for the other person to make the move.

coraline is rambling, talking feverishly as she does when she's nervous. she keeps asking, "are you sure? are you sure you really want to do this?"

she takes my hand, stalling, she traces it's outline.

i finally tug it with a smile, "get over here."

her lips are small and soft and delicious. as i pull her onto my lap her hair falls into my face. i feel a little like a fish out of water, i can't remember how to just make out! but we agreed to take it slow, i try to pin my hands to appropriate places.

she cups my face in her hands and stops for a moment, pulling back to look me over, she giggles and exhales, "are we really doing this? is this really happening? it IS!" and her lips meet mine again.

my hands can no longer stay pinned in place, they graze under her shirt and trail across her soft skin. i want her nipples in my mouth more than anything, and yet, i can't bring myself to unlatch her bra strap. trying not to rush, trying to take it slow, and realizing i don't even know how to unlatch a bra from this angle.

i'm not wearing good clothes for this. between my sweater dress, undershirt, tights, panties and a slip my clothes stand as an awkward reminder that i'm sorely out of practice. but coraline is patient and bursts into a fit of giggles as she discovers the slip is keeping her from seductively reaching her hand straight up below my dress. we finally get it all sorted out and suddenly my breasts are free. finally!

i feel myself tremble as she touches me. she sits back again to admire the situation and then her mouth hones in. the exhilaration surges through my body as her lips trace from my nipples to my mouth and back again.

my hands reach out for her and lift her shirt. i struggle with the bra strap, but there's no room for embarrassment, only acceptance. as her breasts are freed i instantly lick across both, cupping them as they hang towards my face. the softness brings me to the edge. she makes tiny sounds of bliss, moans leading me to the desired intensity. her sweet smelling hair drapes over my body. our locks mingle, following our bodies entanglement.

we pull back several times just to take it all in and admire one another's bodies in the candle light. we laugh as we realize that my breasts, though suspected to be larger, are actually smaller than coraline's ampleness. there's a freedom to our conversation, holding nothing back as we change positions and take turns leading the pleasure party.

henry's return breaks our trance. i see him pull up and we quickly pull all of our clothes back on, smoothing out our hair. he cleans the snow off our cars in a gesture of goodwill. conversation tries to amble on, but coraline quickly gathers her things and leaves.

I know I am not a lesbian.

It is a fair question to ask oneself when in this situation. There is something I get from my husband that I can't imagine giving up and I can't get from Ruby or any other woman. Yes, there is the obvious male genitalia...but it isn't just that- though that is a big part of it.

I love the smell of a man. Of my man.
I love his masculinity.
His body hair and grit.
The coarseness of his face when he hasn't shaved.
His rough hands on my soft body.
I enjoy feeling feminie and petite and like the weaker sex.

The first time I was with William after being with Ruby it was confirmed that I wanted both. I want both! I feel whole having both and enjoying the differences they offer. I don't have to deny that anymore. Don't have to pretend and feel guilty for being wired this way.

There was a fear both William and I had. It is what took him so long to give me the free card and part of why I held onto it for so long before using it. We both worried that I would prefer women over men. I think I knew deep down that it wasn't possible, but he is a cautious man and we are a logical couple.

Being with Ruby makes me want William even more...and we are both reaping the benefits.

I love her, but I am not in love with her.

There are things I want to do to her body that have nothing to do with love. I just want to cool this aching fire I feel for her. But I take it slow, we take it slow. It's important not to rush and to fully embrace these moments and take note of what this means to each of us. Thinking about Ruby, my heart races and I feel an instant wetness between my legs. Why can't my body move slowly when I think of her instead of this quick carnal reaction? I want to find William and lock the kids in front of the TV so he can damper this wanting. But he is at work. So I fold laundry, scrub toilets and mother my two until everything softens and the fire burns down to a flicker.

Fighting or fucking.

That was our fall. If William and I could make it through one weekend without fighting...it only happened once over the course of 4 months. When I look back on those months, I am amazed that Ruby and I didn't give into each other. If she would have given me the green light, I know I would have hit the pedal and not stopped.

There is one night that stands above the others- sitting in her funky smelling van outside of Denny's. We were talking about the desires we had, about the price to pay and what it would mean sailing into these uncharted waters together. I recall this being the night that we actually confessed to fantasizing about each other. That it was hard to look but not touch. We were open, the body language was there, but so was the fear.

I wanted to pull her towards me, connecting our stories. To feel her lips on mine. But I was scared that wasn't what she wanted. That it would make things weird between us. And I couldn't lose her. I could stand the tangible sexual tension between us, the constant wanting but not having, but losing her wasn't a price I was willing to pay.

We talked for far too long, the night getting lighter. Hugging her goodbye that night was long and comforting- much more than our typical embrace. There was understanding and love in that hug. I didn't feel alone anymore and got exactly what I needed that night without jeopardizing anything.

Henry knows.

I'm at their house, wrestling and laughing with their children. Being a mother and friend and confidant with Ruby feels normal. Yes I want her. Yes I close my eyes and picture the things I want to explore with her. But first, she is a best friend.

I know she has shared her desires with Henry. I know he knows about the open conversations we have had about her sexuality. That it is something I struggle with as well. For the first time I feel like the other woman and not because we have done anything. Hell, I resist touching her if I can. But I can't make eye contact with Henry. I say stupid things to pass the time until he leaves for school or work...or was I the one leaving? Yes. I want to hug her goodbye as usual- but we don't. It feels insulting to think of pressing my body against hers in front of him. I leave, wondering what she is thinking about my behavior.

There is a vulnerability between us that I feel. It was sparked with a shared bisexual confession. The first time for me admitting to someone other than my husband that I was attracted to women. My first time owning it out loud.

Ruby brought it up and the relief of "You too?!?" flooded the senses and instantly made me feel understood. Less taboo. Clean. Here was this mother and wife that I admired and loved as a sister...with the same struggle.

Even knowing back then that nothing could ever happen between us didn't matter. I still had my fantasies and if nothing else, knowing she shared the same struggle made them better. I didn't feel alone. After twelve years I finally wasn't alone with this burden of my sexual reality.

I could cry.

My first kiss had been Timmy, a tiny peck in the backyard snow of a five year old’s existence. My next kiss had been Jenny, my best friend forever. This was the pattern my life followed, first a boy, then a girl, each with equal pleasure, but one choice met with shame. I was a boy crazy girly girl, writing our names in secret notebooks, kissing every new boy as often as I could. All the while, Jenny and I continued experimenting, exploring what felt good and what didn’t in our pre-pubescent bodies. With Jenny I was the instigator. With the boys I was the lamb, ready to do whatever they asked.

But eventually we were caught, me with my head in her crotch. Shortly afterwards I was caught again with him, his pants down, kissing my neck. All of us 7 years old.

The talks then began, “Someday, when you’re much, much older it will be time to find a nice boy and get married. Only then can you do the things we caught you doing with that boy. You should never do those things with girls, it’s just not right.”
I still kissed the boys, I fantasized what my wedding night would be like. What joys I could discover in the marital bed. But secretly, I would watch women’s breasts, the rise and fall of a woman walking. Victoria’s Secret became my favorite mailer, I’d spend hours looking at the women in intimate apparel. Even my Barbies were fair game, I’d rub their hard breasts and feel a twinkle between my own legs. While I never masturbated, I spent a lot of time fantasizing and enjoying the curves of a woman’s body.

When I finally grew old enough to date I dated veraciously. Every night of the week I was entertained by more and more boys. Once I hit college I would have a midday lunch with one, dinner with another, late night dancing with a third. There were make out buddies and boyfriends, twice I served as a mistress. The kisses we shared were passionate, the sweat beading over hard muscles, the stolen moments in the cab of a truck were all exquisite.

But I still felt like I was missing something. In my dance class I watched the girls, as their hips shook and their breast bounced. In the locker room i felt shame. I carefully watched them undress their sleek bodies feeling like an imposter, if they only knew how I thought of them I would be thrown out for sure. When Elka joined dance it was all I could do to not stare with my mouth open. She wasn't like the other girls, more slender and demure and completely self assured. With a short pixie cut and small round breasts, she was intoxicating for me.

Amanda.

That was her name. The first girl I kissed. I was 15; she was older. Red-auburn hair, pale skin, a sprinkle of freckles over the bridge of her nose. Her smile is what got me, and her breasts. I felt an energy towards her that was new yet familiar. At 15 I was boy crazy- then she came along.

What I recall as my first sexual experience with a girl had nothing to do with sex. Amanda and I were in the back of a van with no seats, sitting on the floor. She was tired and I offered my lap to lay in. I ran my fingers through her hair- it felt maternal...something my mother often did for me. Her long hair flowed through my fingers like water. I could feel her relaxing into me, her fingers playing with my pant leg, tracing the folds. I started to follow the nape of her neck with my fingertips. Her cheek. Barely audible sounds of delight escaped her throat and something inside me reacted subtly. I was completely in that moment, feeling every part of her that made contact with any part of me. Wanting to touch more of her, to take her face in my hands and kiss her lips, feel the fullness of her breasts, wrap my arms around her and feel her body pressed against mine. Then just like that, someone came to the van and broke the spell. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it as she got up to leave. My entire body wanted more.

A week or so later we kissed. Her face was soft and smooth, her tongue gentle in my mouth. It didn't have the same spark as before, but I something comforting. The kiss only happened that one time and deep down I knew it was wrong. Dangerous. So I pushed those feelings down and became ashamed of them. I went back to my path of boys, guys, men. Doing more and more to try to get that buzz back that Amanda gave me in the van.

It’s been one week since I kissed her.


Two weeks ago I was crying, still upset with the church, frustrated by my own guilt—guilt caused by being human. One foot in the church: trying to go through the motions, trying to feel the spirit, going to my meetings, participating in family night, family prayers, nightly scripture study, praying earnestly for understanding. The other foot, more like a wing, begging me to move on, move forward, see new things.


On the phone with Coraline she offered, “I’m a really goal oriented person, so if it was me I would just give it all I had for three months and then reevaluate. Do all the things you’re supposed to be doing and then see how you feel.”


I mulled that thought over for a few days. Maybe I do just need to really give it a go. But then I woke up remembering that I have given it a go, I’ve been extremely active in the church that promises happiness and yet I’m still frustrated. These past three months especially I’ve thrown my entire heart back in, never missing a meeting or a prayer. The time for reevaluation was NOW, not when I had just tried a little harder to stick a horse in a chicken coop. I just don’t fit.


The email thread to Coraline began, testing the waters again to see if she was still feeling the same. I was ready, ready to test the limits of my sexuality.

laying here
thinking about you
can't get your smell and touch out of my head
i want hours with you
days
to explore slowly
intensely
outside and in
i want your hand grabbing mine under the table again
i feel addicted
to
you