Something shifted for me.

It had felt like forever since we had been able to fully satisfy each other. Stolen moments here and there to sustain us, but far too long since either of us had gotten off.

We drive around looking for a quiet place. It's funny to think back about it now, how much we both wanted to quickly find somewhere and how we both knew what the other wanted.

Henry's back seat is more accommodating than mine and before we know it, pants and panties and bras are off...familiar touch and tastes and sounds coming from us both.

She is getting me off, again and again and again. I am such an easy lay...and I can tell she likes having that option. I try to get her off; its frustrating for me that she is so used to using a vibrator. (Is this how men feel?) But she doesn't seem to care- still enjoying the touch and how I make her feel. This makes me soar.

All at once, this shit feels real. More and more I don't want another woman, I want my Ruby girl. I love her...I LOVE her and am attached to her and don't want to share her with anyone but Henry.

Hmmm...this is new.

unleashed

as coraline left, henry looked up at me, "so how'd it go?"

"we kissed and touched, but kept it above the waist." i replied, waiting for his reaction.

but there was no reaction. he simply shrugged and put his bags away.

he had stayed late after school to finish his homework. but he knew we were here. he knew of our intentions. months ago he had offered not a free card, but the statement, "i want you to choose for yourself, i'm not gonna control you."

years of fantazising and mutually shared porn had brought us to this point. i've always wanted to be with a woman, and for years he shared my enthusiasm. the first time i talked dirty to him about the positions i imagine he came on the spot. the fantazing deepened.

now, hearing coraline's car pull away he and i reach for one another. we take it to the bedroom where he proceeds to fuck me. i'm already on edge as we start but it's different this time. something has been UNLEASHED in me.

as i ride him the pleasure builds. he sucks my tits and i cum with a squeal and a gush, again and again and AGAIN. the feeling of him inside of me presses me on, i feel hyper-aware of his shape, totally present in this moment. he strokes my hips as i ride, his fingers trailing from my nipples to my clit, then anchoring on my hips again. something inside of me cracks open and i gush twice more. with each gush i look down in surprise as this has only happened twice in our entire marriage. with each gush he moans as the sultry moistness drips down his member.

the wetness feels incredible as our sexes mingle and pound and i just want to taste it. i pull off and go down on him. my throat is open and full, and the taste puts me over the edge again. my nipples graze across his legs as i go down and the passion rises.

he finishes from behind, pounding me harder than he ever has as i cry out in pleasure. he spanks me and i cum again. i have been emancipated.

I want to fuck her.

But I don't have the right stuff. It was somewhere during that night in my basement where I was on top of her that I had this frustration at not being able to just fuck her. Like William fucks me. It was this unexpected carnal desire that caught me off guard. I never really thought or fantasized about strap-ons and the like before...but now I get it.

Holding back with Ruby is difficult and fun. I get going and I know our current pre-set limits and I have to sit back and cool down. I have to say "I need to stop" before I do something that isn't okay. I want to respect her. Is this how it is for men? The woman being in charge of how much and how far and men just go along and get what they can until they either tap that or suffer rejection?

There is Ruby and Coraline, and I am for sure more male centered. I knew this before her, I have known this for ages. I am not butch by any means- I am athletic and gritty and logical over emotional, but I can wear a push up bra, slap on some lipstick and fit in with the rest of my kind.

But I think like men, I befriend men easier and not because I am flirty and cute. I just get them more, enjoy the lack of drama it is being their friend. There is an ease there that I don't have with women- I feel laid back with men and anxious with women. I enjoy the blunt honesty and unapologetic way of men and for years felt like a spy among my kind.

With Ruby I want to be dominate and aggressive and passionate and forceful. I want to do things to her- make her body sing. I want to pin her against a wall, talk dirty and have my way with her.

She is this goddess woman in my mind and I respect her boundaries. I don't know that she will ever give me the reigns, and for now, I can handle that.

Fighting or fucking.

That was our fall. If William and I could make it through one weekend without fighting...it only happened once over the course of 4 months. When I look back on those months, I am amazed that Ruby and I didn't give into each other. If she would have given me the green light, I know I would have hit the pedal and not stopped.

There is one night that stands above the others- sitting in her funky smelling van outside of Denny's. We were talking about the desires we had, about the price to pay and what it would mean sailing into these uncharted waters together. I recall this being the night that we actually confessed to fantasizing about each other. That it was hard to look but not touch. We were open, the body language was there, but so was the fear.

I wanted to pull her towards me, connecting our stories. To feel her lips on mine. But I was scared that wasn't what she wanted. That it would make things weird between us. And I couldn't lose her. I could stand the tangible sexual tension between us, the constant wanting but not having, but losing her wasn't a price I was willing to pay.

We talked for far too long, the night getting lighter. Hugging her goodbye that night was long and comforting- much more than our typical embrace. There was understanding and love in that hug. I didn't feel alone anymore and got exactly what I needed that night without jeopardizing anything.

There is a vulnerability between us that I feel. It was sparked with a shared bisexual confession. The first time for me admitting to someone other than my husband that I was attracted to women. My first time owning it out loud.

Ruby brought it up and the relief of "You too?!?" flooded the senses and instantly made me feel understood. Less taboo. Clean. Here was this mother and wife that I admired and loved as a sister...with the same struggle.

Even knowing back then that nothing could ever happen between us didn't matter. I still had my fantasies and if nothing else, knowing she shared the same struggle made them better. I didn't feel alone. After twelve years I finally wasn't alone with this burden of my sexual reality.

I could cry.

It’s been one week since I kissed her.


Two weeks ago I was crying, still upset with the church, frustrated by my own guilt—guilt caused by being human. One foot in the church: trying to go through the motions, trying to feel the spirit, going to my meetings, participating in family night, family prayers, nightly scripture study, praying earnestly for understanding. The other foot, more like a wing, begging me to move on, move forward, see new things.


On the phone with Coraline she offered, “I’m a really goal oriented person, so if it was me I would just give it all I had for three months and then reevaluate. Do all the things you’re supposed to be doing and then see how you feel.”


I mulled that thought over for a few days. Maybe I do just need to really give it a go. But then I woke up remembering that I have given it a go, I’ve been extremely active in the church that promises happiness and yet I’m still frustrated. These past three months especially I’ve thrown my entire heart back in, never missing a meeting or a prayer. The time for reevaluation was NOW, not when I had just tried a little harder to stick a horse in a chicken coop. I just don’t fit.


The email thread to Coraline began, testing the waters again to see if she was still feeling the same. I was ready, ready to test the limits of my sexuality.