I want to fuck her.

But I don't have the right stuff. It was somewhere during that night in my basement where I was on top of her that I had this frustration at not being able to just fuck her. Like William fucks me. It was this unexpected carnal desire that caught me off guard. I never really thought or fantasized about strap-ons and the like before...but now I get it.

Holding back with Ruby is difficult and fun. I get going and I know our current pre-set limits and I have to sit back and cool down. I have to say "I need to stop" before I do something that isn't okay. I want to respect her. Is this how it is for men? The woman being in charge of how much and how far and men just go along and get what they can until they either tap that or suffer rejection?

There is Ruby and Coraline, and I am for sure more male centered. I knew this before her, I have known this for ages. I am not butch by any means- I am athletic and gritty and logical over emotional, but I can wear a push up bra, slap on some lipstick and fit in with the rest of my kind.

But I think like men, I befriend men easier and not because I am flirty and cute. I just get them more, enjoy the lack of drama it is being their friend. There is an ease there that I don't have with women- I feel laid back with men and anxious with women. I enjoy the blunt honesty and unapologetic way of men and for years felt like a spy among my kind.

With Ruby I want to be dominate and aggressive and passionate and forceful. I want to do things to her- make her body sing. I want to pin her against a wall, talk dirty and have my way with her.

She is this goddess woman in my mind and I respect her boundaries. I don't know that she will ever give me the reigns, and for now, I can handle that.